This article is part of a running series with Rowan University’s Wellness Center. This collaboration aims to educate students about personal well-being options. For further updates, follow @RowanUWellness on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook.
Meet Jessica Hassell, a second-year Higher Education Administration track graduate student who wrote this article to start a discussion about toxic friendships. She shares, “I hope that this article will help Rowan University students become more conscious about how they are treated by others and whether or not they like that treatment.”
College students tend to not think much about the health of their relationships. When building friend groups, individuals can find 
themselves displaying patterns of behaviors that may or may not reflect their values.
Friend groups are social relationships that have complex dynamics, where everyone plays a role. There are some friends who play positive roles that help keep the group active and engaging. These friends act as the initiator; the one that always suggests something fun to do, or the consensus tester who checks to see how everyone feels about the next course of action (Benne, 1948). However, there are also friends who aggressors who dominate, degrade or distract others to get what they want out of the group. It is important for young people to be able to recognize toxic friendships that can negatively impact their wellbeing.
There is minimal research on toxic friendships, but there are a multitude of tactics that toxic individuals use to control others. Some of these tactics include being passive-aggressive to make the victim change without having an open dialogue, never apologizing when they overstep boundaries, and even holding grudges and using past favors or mistakes to guilt the victim into changing their behaviors (“Types of Abuse – Loveisrespect,” 2017). It is helpful for every person in a social circle to think about how these relationships make them feel and evaluate which members of that friend group make them feel empowered and disempowered.
Often, it is easier for young people to recognize abuse in intimate partnerships than in their immediate social circles. Commonly referenced in literature surrounding domestic abuse is the power and control wheel developed by the Domestic Abuse and Intervention Project in Duluth Minnesota (“Power and Control Wheels,” 2017). It details eight methods of power and control: coercion/threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, obfuscation, economic abuse, using children and using male privilege. While some elements of the Power and Control wheel may only apply to heteronormative intimate partnerships, others can be applied to all relationships.
Although many college friend groups may not have to worry about physical abuse or children, issues surrounding digital abuse, financial abuse, and emotional/verbal abuse can cause anxiety and be signs of toxic friendship. Many people have online access and digital abuse means using online means to take away an individual’s autonomy. It can include directly or indirectly putting someone down in status, spreading rumors online or video recording someone without their consent. Regarding financial abuse, it can include someone watching over another friend’s finances.
By one friend asking for money repeatedly or another friend using money to hold power over another person’s actions, or a friend making another feel guilty about their purchases — these are ways of controlling others. Even exerting emotional/verbal abuse can manifest itself in friend groups as individuals within the group tell members what to do or who to talk to, name-call and allow individuals to be degraded, or even those that make any member feel like their feelings are unimportant (“Types of Abuse – Loveisrespect,” 2017). Once an individual recognizes these toxic behaviors, they can speak out or exit.
College is full opportunities. If an individual finds themselves in a toxic friend group, it’s simple to create distance between oneself and the unhealthy relationship to find new friends elsewhere. Others might choose to use this time to practice their communication skills and attempt to confront the behaviors that make them feel controlled and powerless. No matter the choice, everyone should consider the role that they play in their friend group, take time to consider the health of their social circle and the impact that these relationships are having on their wellbeing.
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Story by:
Jessica Hassell, second-year higher education administration graduate student, Wellness Center intern
Photography by:
Alyssa Bauer, senior public relations major
References
Benne, Kenneth D, and Sheats, Paul. “Functional Roles of Group Members.” Journal of Social Issues. 4.2 (1948): 41–49. Web.
“Power and Control Wheels.” Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs, 2017, https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/.
“Types of Abuse – Loveisrespect.” Loveisrespect.org, National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2017, https://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/.
gmatization of eating disorders, but still little discussion about disordered eating behaviors that may not seem so obvious or extreme.” 
🥬 The Student Center: students use an app called Tapingo to place several orders at several kiosks so everything is made to order. About once a month, there is a pop-up kiosk voted in by students. For example, last year there were kiosks devoted to salads, soups, sandwiches and pasta. Check out the bean and cheese quesadillas at Sono; Freshens for a kale Caesar flatbread wrap; Jersey Mike’s for a veggie sub that comes with chips, cookies or fruit; and Bowl Life for vegans specializing in beans, grains and veggies in a bowl, of course!
“When you’ve been parenting for eighteen years, you’re just so used to having your student around,” says Cindy Bitzer, mother of two Rowan Students; senior business major Lauren Bitzer and senior computer science major Josh Bitzer. “It’s okay to be concerned about your student’s grades, social life, and other aspects of the college experience, but I’ve learned to recognize that you can’t manage their whole life.”
to eating healthy in a time management-friendly way is to prep all of your meals in advance. “Meal-prepping” can sound like an intimidating term reserved for the fitness-savvy and health freaks. In reality, it is very simple and can save unbelievable amounts of time for busy college students.
Through her involvement at Rowan, Shivani became connected with EY’s recruiters, leading to an internship at the company. She held the internship while finishing her graduate program; eventually ending with an offer for a full-time position. “The reason I got this job was because of Rowan and having the opportunity to work alongside the EY recruiters,” Shivani revealed. Through the MBA program, Shivani got to work alongside similar minded people – students who want to be there and see you achieve your goals.
During Shivani’s freshman year she quickly took the initiative, joining various clubs including the 
time to transfer to a four-year institution was approaching. I needed to decide quickly and be absolutely certain I made the right choice. Eventually I came to the aviation industry – settling on the idea that I wanted to become a pilot. This decision lead me to a university out in northern Arizona. 
I just didn’t know of any other options that would fit me.
Rowan I received a student worker position as a digital content contributor for Rowan’s Division of Student Affairs. A position I received from interacting with one of my professors (who I now work with). She inspired me to pursue various aspects of public relations – eventually leading me to my passions in 
colleges I wanted to go to. Did I want a big school or small school? Did I want to live in an urban area? Rural? Suburban? I had no idea. 
Now what? I had already bought a sweatshirt, I told everyone this is where I was going. I felt so embarrassed and just let down. 
Now what? I still knew Rowan was where I wanted to be, despite being denied the first time around. I felt confident in the courses I took at my community college and had a stellar GPA. I told myself that there is no way I could be denied again. 
Around the time she discovered the article, Jo was part of a class called New Ventures Development, where students expand on an idea for a potential startup business or product, and experience the process of bringing it to life. “In that class, I came up with the concept of a personal filtration system within a water bottle, called RefresH2O,” Jo says. “Wherever you are – hiking, spending time outdoors – you can scoop up water from a nearby body of water, and it will be filtered fresh. This will alleviate our plastic usage, and make us wiser about how we source our water.” Another class, Entrepreneurship and Innovation, helped Jo finalize the marketing plan and details for her product, including the target market and purpose. “I wanted to make a product that even a three year old could use. Everyone needs clean water — it’s a human right, but not everyone is lucky enough to have that,” she explains.
Her future plans include owning her own environmentally sustainable holdings or manufacturing company, and possibly even attending graduate school for a degree in engineering management, to continue to grow. She advises freshmen coming into the field to not let the idea of ‘perfection’ interfere with your goals. “‘Good’ is good enough; just get your name and idea out in the world and continue to work on your idea as you progress,” she says. “And keep track of your commitments! Juggling school work, being on the track team and my internship, senior year has been the most challenging year yet, but planning it all out and prioritizing made it a lot better.”
“Participating in social activities is the best way to make friends,” says Ahmad Kindawi, a first-generation college student (now graduate!) from Syria, who rents a house off-campus, within walking distance of campus. Ahmad graduated with a master’s degree in history from the 
Commuter and first-generation college student (now graduate!) Cheyenne Rickabaugh of Cape May, NJ (Cape May County) says the best way to make friends at college is, “Show up to things! Talk in class! Not during lecture, though.” She also says that the best way to get the most out of your college experience is to, “Just get out there and do things! Have fun.” Congrats, Cheyenne, on earning your geography degree from the 
During her first computer science course on campus, Monica learned the ins and outs of the industry, as well as coding and communication skills that she would use later on. Her first professor in the field, Professor Chia Chien, “has been a huge help throughout my college experience. She really encouraged me and opened my eyes to great opportunities.” Professor Chien even introduced her to her current resume-builder, as a co-op worker for the Arctic Slope Regional Corporation (ASRC). Through the AFMS (ASRC Federal Mission Solutions) program with the Rowan computer science department, students can partake in a real-life work environment and contribute to meaningful projects that improve their skills. “The program allows students to immerse themselves in a real job, full time, with the option to take classes part time, at night or online,” Monica explains. “You partner with industry companies and really learn how they function and how your knowledge can contribute.” 
